While You Were Offline: Maybe Rudy Can Fail

Last week was so busy that we barely got to talk about failed Senate candidate Roy Moore filing a lawsuit claiming sexual misconduct allegations against him threw off his 2017 campaign. There also wasn't much time to talk about Stormy Daniels suing President Trump for defamation, or Paul Ryan’s surreal war with the House Chaplin, or even the fact that there’s a volcano erupting in Hawaii. Seriously. It’s been a helluva week. But what have people been talking about, you wonder? Glad you asked. That’s why we’re all here, after all.

What Happened: The old order changeth once more for the president’s legal team, which saw one familiar face leave and another, particularly unlikely, familiar face come back into view.

What Really Happened: Last week was a big one for those following President Donald Trump’s legal woes, with one of the biggest stories starting midweek, thanks to yet another defection from the team.

Unsurprisingly, the departure was big news across the media, with Ty Cobb joining the list of high-profile figures leaving the administration in unlikely circumstances. Whatever could have caused such a decision, people wondered?

Well, sure, there’s that.

Yes, this doesn’t seem strange in the slightest. Perfectly normal.

But the story wasn’t just that Cobb was leaving. It was who was replacing him.

There’s something genuinely breathtaking about Trump hiring a former Clinton attorney, given, you know, almost everything he’s ever said. And they said irony was dead. Although, as it turned out, Emmet Flood has some strong Republican bona fides, too.

And his hiring did help degenerate the standing of the White House just a little bit, too, thanks to the statement that announced it.

Mission accomplished? Oh, and to get back to something mentioned earlier…

Expect this one to run and run and run. As if it wasn’t already going to.

The Takeaway: Maybe we’re all reading this wrong, and it’s an attempt by the Trump Administration to jump onboard one of the biggest pop cultural bandwagons of the year…

What Happened: In one fell swoop, newly installed Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani made things so, so much worse for the president—and on Fox News, of all places.

What Really Happened: Elsewhere, it was time for another of Trump’s recent legal hires to make some waves. And, boy howdy, did he. It all started on Fox News.

Poor Sean Hannity didn’t know how right he was—although perhaps he didn’t expect the exact reason why people wouldn’t want to miss it. After all, Hannity is where Republican figures go for softballs and support, not to break news. Well, usually…

The media went nuts in response to the interview—so much so that Hannity would complain about the coverage it received, in fact. The interview was certainly a big deal with potentially massive legal implications, but it turned out it was only the first part of a media tour by Giuliani that would prove to be jaw-dropping.

For some, it was all too much—

—but, for others, it was a sign that everything was going exactly to plan.

And none of this is even going near the fact that Rudy also caused trouble for Trump in an entirely different area in the Hannity interview…

This is all turning out wonderfully. Especially as both Giuliani and Trump spent the next couple of days trying (and failing) to clean up the mess.

For the record, and somewhat fascinatingly, Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen is apparently denying the Giuliani version of events, which probably isn’t a good sign for those in the Trump camp hoping that he won’t flip on the president.

The Takeaway: If nothing else, this did make the Trump legal drama seem even more like a particularly exciting—if utterly insane—television drama.

What Happened: Things just do not seem to be going Michael Cohen’s way, although it turned out not to be as bad as the news might have led you to believe.

What Really Happened: Meanwhile, let’s look at what else was going on with Trump’s one-time favorite personal lawyer, Michael Says Who? Cohen. He’s already at the center of the Giuliani thing and last week invoked the Fifth Amendment in ongoing litigation surrounding the payment to Stormy Daniels, so it’s not as if anything else could happen for him, right?

Yeah, this would appear to be a big deal. The response was, as can only be expected, dramatic, even as initial reactions suggested that it wasn’t entirely unexpected.

For those wondering what could be behind the decision to wiretap, there were theories…

…even as others pointed out that getting permission to wiretap someone isn’t necessarily the easiest thing in the world. (We’ve all seen The Wire, though, so we knew this.)

But even as everyone continued to get carried away with the possibilities, a surprising update was released.

Yes, it wasn’t actually a wiretapping at all. That’s a pretty embarrassing situation for NBC, and one that obscured the fact that a Pen Register isn’t exactly nothing, as it turns out…

So, how did Trump react to this correction?

The Takeaway: Of course, there’s always the possibility that the Pen Register isn’t going to reveal anything that the FBI didn’t already suspect…

What Happened: Continuing the return of minor characters from Trumpworld, last week brought news that perhaps everything the electorate believed about the president’s health was, well, not what it seemed.

What Really Happened: Look, we know; this roundup seems to be all about Trump's lawyers. Luckily, there are other things that people were talking about. Like, for example, the president’s doctor. No, not his present personal physician who dropped out of contention to lead the VA and is now unlikely to return to his medical post at the White House because of all the furor. His other doctor.

Remember Dr. Harold Bornstein? He was the MD that released a letter during the 2016 election stating that, if elected, Donald Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency,” a concept that resulted in much disbelief and derision. Well, he returned to the headlines last week in an entirely unexpected manner, revealing that his office had been raided by Trump’s bodyguard and his records seized following the election.

Yes, pseudonyms. As if that wasn’t strange enough, things got weirder.

While it’s not entirely surprising that Trump declared his own health to be amazing, this is still kind of a big deal—remember that Trump attacked Hillary Clinton’s health during the campaign, something that now seems all the more suspicious. Next we’ll find out that Trump dictated the line about living to be 200 because of his good genes, too. At least the White House had an explanation for what was happening, however. Well, part of it, at least.

Yes, this all seems entirely standard. Nothing strange or unusual happening here at all.

The Takeaway: To put it mildly, this definitely wasn’t the return that most were expecting for Bornstein. In some alternate reality, he came back far more victorious, if just as disheveled as ever.

What Happened: Kanye West continued to torch his reputation with an appearance on TMZ that had to be seen to be believed.

What Really Happened: Let’s turn our attention from the chaos within Trump’s inner circles—or at least, quasi-inner circles—to the chaos amongst Trump’s famous fanbase. In other words, here's the latest from Kanye West.

You can see the whole episode here if you have 45 minutes free, but let’s cut to the chase. During the interview, West said the following: "When you hear about slavery for 400 years. For 400 years? That sounds like a choice." He also said "I like the word 'prison' because 'slavery' goes too direct to the idea of blacks. Slavery is to blacks as the Holocaust is to Jews." Suffice to say, people noticed and they weren’t exactly thrilled.

Oh, that would be TMZ’s own Van Lathan.

The whole thing even prompted a new hashtag, #IfSlaveryWasAChoice, which spread very very quickly.

But, hey, Kanye: What did you think you were saying?

Well, that’s pretty generic. Thankfully, rightwing theorist Candace Owens was on-hand to … translate?

Yes, this was definitely all about love. Sure.

The Takeaway: It’s almost impressive how well West’s promotional tour for the new albums is going, isn’t it?