While You Were Offline: Only the Finest Rapping Senators For You, America!

Pour out a little, if you will, for Steve Whitmire, who was fired this week after nearly 30 years of voicing Kermit the Frog—and whose response was simply that he was "devastated to have failed" Jim Henson. Whitmire's quagmire isn't the only crappy news this week (oh, hello, revised Senate healthcare bill!), yet it feels like the perfect encapsulation of the suckfest that is 2017 thus far. Seriously, year: can you get it together for the second half, maybe?

While we wait for that to happen, here are some of the many things that went down this week on everyone's favorite series of tubes.

What Happened: Forget about those #FakeNews sources—whatever happened to the President's friend Jim?

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports

What Really Happened: The President was in Paris this week, trying to escape America while it was still possible visiting the country for Bastille Day at the invitation of French President Macron. It was an unexpected visit, given the comments Trump had made about Paris in the past: his friend Jim, he frequently told crowds at speeches, refused to visit the city anymore because it had become so unsafe. In fact, it was so unexpected that the Associated Press started wondering what had ever happened to Jim… a question that Twitter was only too eager to help with.

Once the issue was raised, other media outlets also wondered where Jim was. Or, you know, if he was. It might all be moot, though, considering Trump is now a fan of Paris once again. Besides, it turned out that Jim was on Twitter the whole time.

The Takeaway: The true story about Jim might one day be written. Until then: goodnight Paris! Goodnight Trump! And…

What Happened: As if to add insult to injury, one reporter went from stunned astonishment to Twitter meme in almost no time at all.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports

What Really Happened:* By now, it's almost impossible to have avoided the story of Donald Trump Jr.'s June 2016 meeting with the Russian attorney. You know, the story he initially denied, then admitted to with caveats, and then, just before the New York Times released emails confirming everything, simply astonishingly tweeted the background emails of.

It was a move that stunned many. Including one particular "independent journalist" who'd been working on the Russia/Trump campaign story for some time, and couldn't quite believe what had happened:

Sexton somehow became a minor celebrity off that confused tweet storm, not to mention a meme in his own right…

The Takeaway: Of course, all memes eventually jump the shark, especially when they're mixed with other memes for comic effect:

What Happened: Sometimes, visual aids are not a good idea.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports

What Really Happened: Okay, so the President is (perhaps) invented fake friends to diss Paris and his son is releasing emails about taking meetings with Russian lawyers after being told that the Russian government is supporting his campaign. Is it possible for the current administration to do something to undermine its own credibility a little more?

Oh, yes. Flash cards. There's no way that those could be taken the wrong way, right?

Unfortunately for Kellyanne Conway, the story soon became about Conway's props rather than her words. Which, come to think of it, might have been the point all along.

The Takeaway: Of course, there are other reasons to get upset about Conway's show and tell presentation:

What Happened: You thought that Donald Trump was the end of the celebrity politician? Kid Rock has something to say about that.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports

What Really Happened: So, midweek, these tweets showed up from country star and professional hobo impersonator Kid Rock:

It was the newest episode in Democracy: The Reality Show, and one that was eagerly, if confusedly, embraced by the media at large. People were… excited… about it… perhaps…?

Okay, so perhaps "excited" wasn't the right word. Don't worry, it might not be as bad as it seems. (It does seems pretty bad.)

Then again, perhaps it is. Rock released a statement the following day on his site, titled "Once Again The Press Is Wrong," which read in part, "First of all, I’ve got 15 days from my announcement to file paperwork with the FEC! Second, I’m not signed to Warner Bros!!!—which simple fact-checking would have revealed." Moreover, he went on, "Senator Stabenow and I do share a love of music, although probably not the same kind. I concede she is better at playing politics than I am so I'll keep doing what I do best, which is being a voice for tax paying, hardworking AMERICANS and letting politicians like her know that We the People are sick and tired of their bullshit!"

Welp. Looks like this might actually be happening, then.

The Takeaway: There's only one thing for it.

What Happened: David Brooks' friend finds sandwiches challenging. The internet can't quite believe it.

Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports

What Really Happened: This week wasn't exclusively about the complete collapse of political norms. The internet also had to contend with sandwich snobbery.

Sure enough, the David Brooks column in the New York Times this week makes for some interesting reading. And, if you happen to be Brooks' friend in question, probably upsetting reading as you get sacrificed for a dumb larger point.

With Brooks' own hamsplaining as evidence, many considered what other conversations would be like with the pundit. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Others were ready to argue that not knowing the names of various types of ham is not actually a sin in and of itself…

…while a third group was prepared to make things weird sooner rather than later:

It seemed, in fact, that no one could help themselves from talking about the subject… Indeed, even the New York Times itself revisited it days later. Who knew that everyone was so fascinated with fancy meats?

The Takeaway: About that friend, though…