Rugby Legend Sir John Kirwan Struggled With Depression—And Wants Others to Open Up About Their Own Health Stories

On the surface, Sir John Kirwan had everything. In the 1980s and ‘90s, he was one of rugby’s most elite athletes, a star for Auckland and part of a dominant New Zealand All Blacks team that won the first Rugby World Cup in 1987. He was well paid, successful, and internationally famous; but behind the scenes, he was in turmoil.

He remembers the moment, in 1990, that it first manifested on the pitch. “We were playing France. I had an anxiety attack during the test match,” Kirwan says, as part of a new short film for the international health company Bupa. “I still vaguely remember dropping the ball and just wanting to escape. I wanted to get out, like, ‘how can I get out of here?’ For ten days, I was just crying. I didn't know why I was crying. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't really function. Everything was in a haze. And then it just didn't really stop from there.”

Kirwan is sharing his experiences with depression as part of Bupa Health Stories, a new movement aimed at encouraging people to talk candidly about their health problems. New research from Bupa found that one in two people globally have avoided talking about a health concern, despite 82 percent of people agreeing that opening up can help. In the new series of films, Bupa is sharing real-life stories from people around the world, including Kirwan, and exploring the benefits of talking openly.

“We want to highlight the benefits of sharing health experiences and break down taboos that are preventing people from talking about health,” explains Fiona Bosman, Global Brand Director at Bupa. “No matter what the concern, people should feel empowered to get the care and support they need—and a simple conversation can help spark that.”

For Kirwan, his experience with depression is a prime example of how even people who seem to be thriving can feel scared to share the challenges they’re facing. “I was the perfect advert for success in rugby. So for me, I faked it. No one knew I was on anti-depressants for the ‘91 World Cup,” he says.

His experiences only worsened when his depression prevented him from playing. “On the field was like my sanctuary,”" he explains. “"And then that got taken away with full time depression. So it became my hell. My escape was thinking about suicide. I was just sick of fighting—you know, a minute felt like an hour. An hour felt like a day, and a day felt like a week. I was lying in bed one night on the 10th floor of the Hilton hotel in Buenos Aires, and I decided that I was going to run and jump out. And the guy lying next to me said, ‘JK, you've got a good heart’. He saved my life.”

Kirwan is now retired from rugby as a player and a coach, but remains a tireless advocate for being open about mental health challenges that so many people—not just athletes—face. “When people are unwell, you need to understand what their courage is like. Courage can just be going to work. Courage can be getting out of bed,” he says. “I could run out in front of 80,000 people and not worry. But going to the doctor and talking to them about my illness or what I perceived was a weakness was the scariest thing and the most courageous thing I'd ever done.”

“I had no reference to mental health. My reference was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I thought that I was just going insane. And, you know, [my doctor] said, ‘JK, it's an illness, not a weakness, and you can get better.’” Kirwan remembers how useful he found it when the psychiatrist explained his illness in injury terms. “She said, ‘what would you do if you had a tight hamstring?’ I said, ‘I’d stop, ice it, and go and see the physio.’ She said, ‘Your brain is no different.’”

In the modern era, many people including elite athletes are opening up about their mental health journeys, and the values of seeking treatment, or taking breaks. But in the ‘90s, mental health was not openly discussed, and the stigma was overwhelming. Similarly, today, many health problems are still considered taboo to talk about. “I think vulnerability is probably the biggest strength you can have,” Kirwan says. “Because my mental health journey, especially for New Zealanders, has been so public, people see that vulnerability and feel comfortable talking to me about it. The most important thing is your health. You must share it because a problem shared is a problem halved.”

In 2005, after his retirement, Kirwan was queuing for a test match. “A young man in a suit came up next to me and he tapped me on the shoulder, said, ‘Hi JK, if it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.’ If we can have the courage to share every day, then we start changing our society.”

Discover more at Bupa - YouTube