Review: Crave Tease

It's hard not to smile while unboxing Crave’s latest semi-incognito sex toy, the Tease Ring. The small, textured black box bears the company’s name on the lid in silver gilt letters like a formal invitation to a ball. Inside, the ring rests on a soft pillow of felt-textured foam, and against the black background, the Tease’s gold chrome finish glints and glimmers in the light, promising a luxurious, top-shelf experience.

This is from the same company that makes the Vesper, a stylish vibrator that doubles as a bold necklace. That's why I was excited to try this new sex toy, which goes on your finger, but unfortunately, as I learned during testing, the Tease Ring can't live up to its promise of luxury.

A Poor Tease

The Tease invites you to imagine, selling you on its vibe as much as its vibrations. It conjures up images of flirtatious strangers in neon-soaked nightclubs, leaning in close to be heard over the thumping bass. The night is full of endless possibilities and carefree, reckless joy. No matter where the night takes you, you’ll have your Tease Ring on your finger, an intimate secret you wear openly—and maybe share.

Photograph: Crave

It’s a lovely fantasy. In reality, the silicone ring popped off my finger almost as soon as I put it on, rolling away to parts unknown. Fulfilling my destiny as an audacious sexual libertine would have to wait; I was too busy reaching into the dusty underplaces of my apartment. Eventually, with the help of a broom, I managed to fish the Tease out from under my bed. It was an inauspicious start, but I was hopeful. (There are three sizes to choose from, each encompassing a few ring sizes. Small, for example, works for anyone with a ring size between 3 and 6.)

Those hopes were dashed once I started testing the Tease. It’s a product that’s constantly in conflict with itself. In its pursuit to be a piece of jewelry and a vibrator, it fails to be either. The vibrator is too small and weak to use, and the ring has all the charm of one of those Livestrong bracelets from the early 2000s.

It’s a shame because Crave’s flagship, the Vesper, succeeds in both of these roles; it’s a good vibrator and a nice necklace. I’ve even seen it out in the wild, worn as an audacious statement piece, a knowing wink between queer people in sapphic spaces.

The Worst of Both Worlds

The Tease Ring is just plain awkward to use. If you leave it sitting on top of your knuckles in use, it feels like you’re fist-bumping your partner’s genitals. Flip it around so the ring is still on your finger but the vibrator is on the palm side of your hand, and it’s a little better. But because of the vibrator’s length, you cannot move whichever finger it’s on because it acts like a finger brace and keeps the knuckles on that finger from flexing. When you’re wearing it like this, it’s hard to use on yourself because it severely limits your manual dexterity, and it’s hard to use on a partner for the same reasons.

It’s also hard to feel sexy when you’re using this toy. When I had it on the palm side of my hand, I couldn’t stop thinking about those hand buzzer things from Saturday morning cartoons. The kind a birthday clown would secretly wear and ask everyone to shake his hand only to surprise them with an unpleasant jolt. Too bad I didn’t have the top hat or the water-squirting boutonniere to complete the look.

Photograph: Crave

Even if you get it into the right spot solo or with partners, the Tease's vibrations are buzzy, nasal, and weak. For reference, the grocery-store-brand, one-speed electric toothbrush I used in college produces far more vibration than the Tease. (Disclaimer: I’m not a dentist, but please don’t use an electric toothbrush to vibrate anything that isn’t in your mouth.)

Given its small size, I was impressed the Tease could get about 30 minutes out of a single charge. But that's way too short for a sex toy that costs $195. (Note: There's a silver version that's frequently on sale for $135.) You can spend a quarter of the money on a slightly bigger toy that will last two to three times as long and outperform the Tease in every way.

Too Much for Too Little

Cleaning the Tease is also something its design seems determined to make as inconvenient as possible. The instructions say it’s safe to wash in running water only when it’s fully assembled. The problem is that there are two metal seams between the two portions of the Tease’s body, where they’re joined by a small metal band. If you rinse the Tease while it’s fully assembled, that seam does not get clean enough that I’d feel safe using it again. It must be opened to clean the toy thoroughly enough to prevent the buildup of bacteria and lube residue.

To do that in a way that doesn’t ruin the Tease, you need to disassemble it completely (it comes apart into three pieces) and use a cotton swab with some alcohol to clean out those crevices. Then you need to let it dry completely before you put it back together. During that time you have three perilously tiny objects to keep track of and put somewhere out of reach of your cat. Given the chance, your cat will bat these things off your counter, sending you on another spelunking expedition, this time on hard mode because three pieces will scatter across the floor in three directions. Delightful.

I try to give every toy that comes through my door a fair shake, because even when I don’t like a sex toy, that doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. So I try to find edge cases, look around and see who likes something and how they’re using it. Usually, I’ll learn something new about a sexual niche I was unfamiliar with. That’s not the case with the Tease. There is no feasible use I can find where a different, cheaper toy doesn’t outperform it. Honestly, any of Crave’s other products would be a much better use of your money.