(Almost) All the Ferris Bueller's Day Off Characters, Ranked by Coolness
As the comedy classic turns 30, we roll back the odometer and determine which characters deserve an "Oh, yeaaah", and which deserve to be danke-shamed.
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Thirty years ago this week, a Chicago-area teenager named Ferris Bueller woke up with phantom stomach pains and a very real dream: To skip school for the day. That's the remarkably fat-free plot of John Hughes' Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the 1986 comedy that became one of the biggest hits of the year, turned its titular hero—played by Matthew Broderick—into a proto-slacker hero for the ages, and made "Danke Schoen" one of the biggest semi-ironic hit songs of the decade. But while it has aged far better than many of its comedy contemporaries, it's also a very different movie than you remember: Unless we're just being too cynical here, Ferris Bueller, once a poster child for coolness, now seems kind of like ... a little a-hole? In fact, a lot of the characters in Ferris feel ripe for re-evaluation. Which is why we decided to take our own day off and come up with this definitive ranking of the movie's many characters. And right or wrong, we're going to defend it!
Paramount Pictures39. Principal Edward R. Rooney
Neither prince nor pal, Ferris' flustered stalker would be the worst even if he weren't weirdly obsessed with catching a few truant high-schoolers. For starters, he thinks speaking in French and quoting Faulkner make him a charming intellectual, and not an uncool boor. Plus, he doesn't seem to know the difference between baseball and football, which in Chicago is a Class A misdemeanor. But Rooney's biggest offense is his sheer dunderheadedness: For all his sneering insults toward others, he's repeatedly fooled by Ferris and Cameron's sophomoric ruses—*everyone* knows George Peterson's voice doesn't [sound like that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm5fVx8vbu0)!—and he's constantly getting his cheese left in the wind, whether he's tangling with a dog or chasing down a tow-truck driver. If Ferris really *does* have a first-class ticket to nowhere, the first person he'll meet there is Rooney.
Paramount Pictures38. The Dude in the Police Station
Admittedly, being played by future misogynihilist Charlie Sheen doesn't do much to help this dude's cool-quotient. No matter *who's* portraying him, though, this guy is a full-on creep—a raccoon-faced scumbag who says stuff like "People think \[my sister's\] a whore," and uses it as a pick-up line. Maybe he *should* have lost a testicle, after all.
Paramount Pictures37. The Guy Slow-Ogling Sloane in the Restuarant
The patriarchy never takes a day off, apparently. Uncool.
Paramount Pictures36. The Kid Who Spills All His Papers in the School Hallway
Someone call Alice Cooper, because cool's out forever!
Paramount Pictures35. The Chez Quis Maitre D'
With an arched tone and even archier eyebrows, this snoot in a suit treats Ferris and his friends like peons—which would be bad enough, if it weren't for the fact that he apparently also doesn't know what Abe Froman looks like! If the gatekeeper of one of Chicago's swankest eateries isn't intimately familiar with such a high-powered pork peddler, we weep for the future.
Paramount Pictures34. The Kid Drooling on His Desk During Class
Someone call Alice Cooper, because drool's out...wait, are we already repeating jokes, just a few entries in? Sorry! It's just that there are a lot of cool-ish characters in *Ferris Bueller's Day Off*.
Paramount Pictures33. The Easily Duped Freshmen
Okay, so they've seen *Alien*, which makes them *kinda* cool. But how could they be gullible enough fall for Ferris' clearly synthesized fake-mucus sound effects? Is it possible their shared last name is ... Rooney?
Paramount Pictures32. The Dummy Dressed Up as Ferris
If [this movie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6gpndlepiM) hadn't come along the next year, Ferris' dummy would have been the coolest mannequin of the '80s.
Paramount Pictures31. The Girl Who Offers Rooney Some Gummy Bears
Sigh. We want to root for her, we *really* do, but *Ferris Bueller* came out just as Gummy Bears became fully assimilated into the mainstream, leading candy-fanatics (or "fandys," as they're known) to brand the multi-colored treats as total sell-out sweets. If she'd come equipped with something a little edgier—Nerds, Big League Chew, even a then-still-shocking Zagnut—she'd be ranked higher. But Gummy Bears? Sheesh. That's like offering a Glass Tiger cassette to someone wearing a Replacements shirt!
Paramount Pictures30. The Rando Girl Who Asks Ferris How His Bod is Doing
Like those freshman, she also falls for those fake-o sound effects. But she's pretty chipper about the whole Ferris-might-be-dying thing, which is cool. Also, ["bod"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZspUyvG-ZA) will never not be a cool, cool word.
Paramount Pictures29. The Men's Room Attendant
He looks like he either just watched *The Shining,* or just escaped from *The Shining.* Either way: Cool.
Paramount Pictures28. The Pizza Guy Who Thinks Rooney is an Idiot
When he's not fighting turtles and crabs in the sewer with his brother Luigi, this guy is preoccupied with being cool.
Paramount Pictures27. The English Teacher
Look, it's not easy to sell a bunch of persnickety teens on the virtues of literary symbolism. But this guy tries, and besides, he's played by improv legend Del Close, so he's de facto cool.
Paramount Pictures26. The Nurse Who Tells Simone Her Grandmother's Dead
She seems very sweet and empathetic—so much so, you feel bad that she got duped by one of Ferris' lies. And in case you were wondering, empathy = coolness.
Paramount Pictures25. The Singing Nurse
Cheering up the sick with music? Cool. Not finishing your song, meaning we'll *never know* what word you were going to rhyme with "pluck"? Uncool.
Paramount Pictures24. The School Bus Driver Who Picks Up Rooney
Considering how many times she likely had to endure Rooney's patronizing muttered comments about bus drivers, the fact that she stopped for him at all qualifies her as cool. But she also seems like one of those drivers who, on the last day of school, would turn up Alice Cooper on the radio and maybe put some balloons in the bus (suburban bus drivers in the '80s were known for doing stuff like this).
Paramount Pictures23. Simone Adamley
We know Simone is cool. We heard it from our best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who heard it from this guy who knows this kid who's going with this girl who saw her being cool at 31 Flavors last night.
Paramount Pictures22. The Little Girl in the George Seurat Painting
When Cameron stares at *A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte,* does he see a familial affection he could never find in his own life? A glimpse of the innocence of youth? A reminder that each of us is made of a million different particles, all of them shifting and unique? Sure. But he also sees some serious late-188os coolness.
Paramount Pictures21. The Old Lady With the Giant Hairdo Who Drives Verrrry Slowly
You know what's a pretty great Pulp song? "[Help the Aged](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bZjKC0EaY0)." Then again, pretty much every '90s-era Pulp song is fantastic. It's never really made sense that the Britpop wars of that era were so often reduced to Blur vs. Oasis, when it could be argued that Pulp's tunes had just as much brains as the former, and as much swagger as the latter. Plus, Pulp's Jarvis Cocker was a better, more well-rounded frontman—think a posher, winkier Jagger—than pretty much *any* of his contemporaries. Anyhoo, this old lady reminded us of Pulp for a minute, which makes her cool—though isn't it weird that, for all her cautious driving, she doesn't seem to be wearing a seat belt?
Paramount Pictures20. The Accordian Lady
Accordian to some people we know, she's very cool.
Paramount Pictures19. The Kid Trying to Raise Money to Save Ferris
Slacktivism? Maybe. But unlike what Ferris says in the movie, many *isms* are actually pretty cool!
Paramount Pictures18. Ferris Bueller
And now, your ostensible hero: A spoiled suburban snit who whines about not having his own car; talks down to, or misleads, just about every working-class character he encounters; constantly abuses his best friend's trust; and lip-syncs Wayne Newton. On the plus side, he *is* responsible for the most-used yearbook senior-quote of the Reagan/Bush years ("Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"), he's great at a parade, and he's a Killing Joke fan (as evidenced by his bedroom, [one of the coolest big-screen dwellings of all time),](http://mattandtimfunny.blogspot.com/2010/06/ferris-buellers-bedroom.html) It's a bit of a draw, coolness-wise: If *Ferris Bueller* were made today, Ferris would be a second-tier teenaged Vine star trying to sell you some sort of branded un-cola. Then again, sometimes Vines are funny, and sometimes un-cola is delicious? Hmmm. For now, let's just slot Ferris in the "charming-enough asshole" category and go one with our lives.
Paramount Pictures17. Jeannie Bueller
What, you thought this was gonna be one of those super-sharable, contrarian-culture thinkpieces, with a headline like, "Ferris Bueller Wasn't the REAL Hero. His Sister Was—And Here's Why (PHOTOS)"? Sorry, but nope—though her self-assertiveness and toughness are definitely cool, Jeannie is only *slightly* more tolerable than her brother. For starters, she's waaayyy too vindictive (seriously, who cuts class just to get their sibling in trouble?). Even worse, she yells ["you speak-a the English?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVz_l81qtsA) at one point, which is both snooty *and* problematic. Yeesh, these Bueller brats!
Paramount Pictures16. The Construction Worker Dancing to "Twist & Shout"
As long he's wearing his helmet, we're cool with this.
Paramount Pictures15. The Girl in Class Who's Totally Not Having It
Yup. This is how we feel whenever Ferris goes into one of his "But I wanted a car!" fourth-wall waahmbulance spiels (Is "waahmbulance" still a thing people say online? It should be. It was like the only funny thing to be found online between 2003 and 2006.)
Paramount Pictures14. The Other Girl in Class Who's Totally Not Having It
*Literally* too cool for school. How did she *not* end up on the cover of a gazillion mid-'90s pop-punk seven-inches?
Paramount Pictures13. Tom Bueller
Sure, he kinda leers at Simone at one point, and he seemingly has problems recognizing his own son hiding in plain sight, but Ferris is relatively level-headed for a middle-aged father of two spoiled scamps. If you don't think Tom's cool, might we suggest wrapping a hot towel around your head, and then maybe having some soup?
Paramount Pictures12. Katie Bueller
Neither of the Bueller folks seem too plugged-in when it comes to their kids' lives, which may explain why their children are such ungrateful little shits. But working parenthood is pretty much the toughest gig of all time, and considering Katie doesn't lose her cool when the Vermont deal goes sour—and seeing how genuinely sweet she is toward Ferris when she thinks he's sick—we're gonna cut her some cool-mom slack.
Paramount Pictures11. The Guy Who Does That Gnarly Flip During "Twist & Shout"
He does it in a super-cool way, just like we knew he would.
Paramount Pictures10. The Guy Who Takes Cameron's Ferrari For a Joyride...
Whoooooooooooooooo! This is sooooooo......
Paramount Pictures9. ...And His Shotgun-Sitting Buddy
....cooooooooool!
Paramount Pictures8. The Kids Walking Hand-in-Hand in the Art Museum
Ooof, [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubpRcZNJAnE): So saccharine. So, you know, *deep*, in that high-school senior-paper way. And yet it's impossible not to get the slightest bit sniffly while watching it, as you think of that brief period in your life in which your troubles were still solvable, your parents were still heroic, and your friends were still within arm's reach. Oh, geez. Look at what I've done! I've become a complete wreck. But a *cool* wreck, maybe?
Paramount Pictures7. The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California
Ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeaaaahhhhh. Related: Did you know "Ooooh bowmp-bowmp, bo-chick, chicka-chicka" is Swiss slang for "cool"? "[Day bow bow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7i0V26wWiM)," however, is not.
Paramount Pictures6. The Economics Teacher
Sure, he may drone on a bit, but he's in the movie for barely twenty seconds, and yet has one of the most oft-quoted lines of the '80s. Could that be any ... cooler? ... cooler? ... cooler?
Paramount Pictures5. Sloane Peterson
Question: Does Sloane Peterson actually *like* Ferris? When you rewatch the movie now, it seems like even *she's* kind of leery of him, in a "Okay, man-child, this was fun, and thanks for getting me out of school, but the grown-up world awaits." Maybe that's a leap, but her chillness speaks to the fact that, throughout the movie, Sloane never freaks or breaks character, even when she's faking a family member's death, or watching Cameron's brain go bust. She plays everything perfectly cool—maybe a little suspiciously *too* cool, but still.
Paramount Pictures4. The Coordinated Dancers Who Boogie En Masse to "Twist & Shout" on the Steps
Look, is the parade scene in *Ferris Bueller's Day Off—*in which a rich white kid drives into the city, hijacks a float, and sings a Beatles cover of an Isley Brothers song, all to the adoration of many African-American crowdgoers—kind of a strange, semi-troubling white-boy fantasy? Yes. Is it also one of the giddiest, fun-stupidest sequences of the last three decades? Yup, and it's all thanks to these super-cool dancers, who show up from out of nowhere and strut their stuff with so much style, the coolness actually seeps onto the steps, making it a bit of a safety hazard.
Paramount Pictures3. The New-Wave Girl at the Arcade Who Spits Soda at Rooney
Be still our Rooney-ruing heart! It's like she stepped out of the screen from *Liquid Sky* just so she could head straight to a showing of *The Hunger.* Fun trivia: New-Wave Girl actually had a much bigger role in the film, but the MPAA demanded her scenes be trimmed, as they feared her massive coolness might induce mild bouts of "envy, hysteria, or Echo & the Bunnymeningitis."
Paramount Pictures2. Cameron Frye
If Rites of Spring hadn't released [its seminal debut album](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rites_of_Spring_%28album%29) the year before *Bueller*'s release, our man Cameron would be seen as the *real* starting point of the modern emo movement. Penetrating self-doubt? Cameron's got it! Well-articulated alienation? That too. Lovelorn mawkishness? Hoo boy, yes! And yet Cameron never feels like a drag nor a dip, and of all the film's characters, he undergoes the most radical self-transformation by killing his dad's car and discovering his own self-worth. Plus, he gets to call his principal an asshole, which is pretty much every high-schooler's dream. Pardon our French, but Cameron's cool—even cooler than his titular pal.
Paramount Pictures1. Grace
Who doesn't love Grace? The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks, the sluts, the bloods, the wastoids, the dweebies, the dickheads—they all adore her. And with good reason: She's unflappable, even when dealing with her officious, oft-pathetic boss. She keeps multiple pencils in her hair. And she's responsible for the single funniest moment in this entire movie, when she [imitates Rooney on the phone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm5fVx8vbu0&t=3m18s). Grace is every put-upon-but-still-cheery coworker you've ever had—the one who never lectures you for being a few minutes late, who's always down for a coffee run, and who knows how to soothe a sad, psychopathic supervisor. She's the coolest kid in the entire school, and if anyone deserves a day off, it's her.
Paramount Pictures0. You're still here?
It's over. Go home. Go!
