The Best Total Meal Replacement Shakes

With its founding in 2013, Soylent blazed a trail in the protein drink and meal-replacement market by eschewing the target markets of gains-obsessed bros and geriatrics without teeth to focus on busy tech bros who were fed up with the cost and inconvenience associated with food you have to cook and chew. It was a brilliant pitch back then, and founder Rob Rhinehart’s predictions of a technocratic hellscape where worker drones grind too hard to be bothered with solid food for each meal have become all the more prescient in the decade since it hit the market.

The “original” recipe of Soylent is a bland, flavorless slime that appeals to no one except antisocial full-stack devs who only enjoyed eating paste as children. A plethora of flavors are now available, and it’s encouraging to report that the vanilla flavor is about as normal as it gets in terms of taste and texture. A rich, malty vanilla bean flavor gently blooms across the sip, and the viscous liquid goes down nice and smooth without even the subtlest hint of stevia, monk fruit, or other alternative sweeteners that are common in meal replacement drinks. If this liquid were any thicker it would be exhausting to consume, but Soylent really dialed this in over the decade-plus since it started as a nerdy science experiment with the explicit goal of eliminating the hassle of eating.

Soylent doesn’t contain the most protein, fat, or grams of fiber relative to other entrants, but it’s a well-rounded offering that gets the job done despite not putting up the highest stats. I thoroughly enjoyed sipping on this every morning, and the respectable fat and protein content did a fine job of keeping my hunger at bay until lunchtime. I ventured deep into the tank with some custom macros in Google Sheets one morning to see how far I could stretch myself with only Soylent in the tank, and I was able to keep grinding until 2:30 pm before my hand started wobbling. That’s about as close as I’ll ever get to going on a code bender, but it’s good to know Soylent is a quick and easy way to stay on my grind.

Popular meme accounts that roast millennial fads would lead one to believe that the overpriced green smoothie trend is dead and buried. Likewise, though veganism lives on, its whole vibe and personality are as unpopular as ever in the current cultural climate. What can a cheugy tech bro (or bro-ette) reach for when they want a quick and easy plant-based solution to hunger and nutrient deprivation without feeling like that loser who showed up to the 6 pm hyperpop show in skinny jeans and a black band tee?

Happy Viking is here to save the day with a vegan protein shake that contains soluble fruit- and veggie-based fibers for “regularity,” 20 grams of protein for gains, and cute packaging with a cool font and a photo of the #girlboss hero/tennis pro Venus Williams on the side. The color and flavor of the liquid are callbacks to Yoo-hoo and Ovaltine, with a punchy dose of cocoa masking the grit and vegetal finish one would expect from a cup of $12 green glop from a boutique-y juice bar with a dumb name like Plant Zaddy or Loosey Juicy.

The paltry fat content in Happy Viking doesn’t exactly fill you up with rib-sticking goodness, but the fiber content and the commendable amount of protein mostly makes up for it for the first few hours. If you’re the kind of vegan who still finds a way to do terrible things to their body without the use of animal products, this is a nice morning-after atonement accessory that’ll get you going before lunch hits and it’s time to inhale another 2,000-calorie Cali burrito with soy curls and extra fries.

OWYN stands for “only what you need,” which feels similar to the pitch Dozer gives Neo in The Matrix as he sets our hero up with a bowl of protein-rich slop for his first meal after being yanked back into what’s left of the real world. OWYN does offer a caffeinated version of its protein shakes, but this iteration merely references coffee in name and flavor. The liquid is thin and easy enough to put down, with a tingle of artificial sweetener on the finish that quickly gives way to a coffee flavor that’s not unlike something you’d taste at a janky ice cream stand that offers something like “Jim’s Jacked-Up Java” as the milkshake flavor of the month.

The slim stats in the protein and fat categories combined with the coffee-adjacent placebo had me feeling shaky and malnourished by 10 am most days when I replaced my breakfast with OWYN. This is not a great pick if you’re trying to go the distance without chewing or even thinking about procuring a proper meal, but it could be a nice post-lunch boost that does an OK job of scratching the itch for a sweet coffee treat. Top off your actual cold brew with this coffee-flavored glurp if you’re feeling naughty, or you can toss what’s left of your McDonald’s coffee from the drive to work into the fridge, then mix it around with a bottle of OWYN a few hours later if you’re feeling downright trashy.

One can learn a lot about a health brand by its collab co-signs. Since its founding in 2016 by recovering addict/ex-con/ur-patriot Aaron Singerman, Redcon1 has hitched its star to Nascar and the US military, along with junk-food brands like Hostess and the newly revitalized soda brand Jolt Cola. This handily explains its expansive selection of kooky supplement flavors, which are essentially drinkable pastries that allege to help you get swole.

When prepared per the suggestion of its packaging, the combo of about 30 grams of cookies ’n’ cream powder mixed with 6 ounces of water yields a thick beige liquid that’s punctuated by little black clumps of cookie dust. It’s as weird as it is tasty, and if I weren’t already the type of person who thought a selfie in front of an Arby’s was a solid Tinder profile pic, I would probably be ashamed to like this as much as I did. Once you get used to the sweet and dusty bits of cookie that bust open when you chew them, this is a fun ride for anyone who can hang.

Redcon1’s MRE series is technically a protein powder, but it’s heavy on protein for its rather diminutive calorie count, making it a fine meal replacement assuming you have a salad or some other fibrous food item on deck for lunch or dinner. One 6-ounce glass of this candy-like slurry filled me right up in the morning, and I was good to go until salad time rolled around at noon.

Marketing a new product in a crowded field is all about finding a niche and humping it relentlessly, so you have to admire the silly, youthful foil CTRL plays against the more stoic, grown-up flavors and packaging offered by the likes of Huel and Soylent. Similar to the vibes of Ghost Energy or Taco Bell, CTRL is a bold and quirky alternative to the boring and predictable products enjoyed by your normie friend with a stable job, health insurance, and a car with a properly functioning exhaust pipe.

“Quirky” is a generous description of the brand's Cookies ’n’ Cream flavor, which is best described as a mix between Yakult and the massive clouds of cookies ’n’ cream–flavored vape smoke I endured as I entered and exited various convention centers in the Pacific Northwest during my era as an aspiring Magic: the Gathering pro. Cereal-flavored vape juice is essentially banned, but you can still get your fix thanks to CTRL. It’ll even fill up your tum-tum so you don’t have to refill your tendies as often between MMORPG campaigns!

I’m not grinding Dota 2 or WoW all day long, but I am doing some serious emailing, and I need to be properly fueled up to stay on my grind every morning. As much as I disliked the flavor and the chunky bits of petrified cookie product that floated around in my glass, CTRL is no slouch at filling you up. A placebo sugar buzz derived from its uncanny flavor had my head spinning and my hands shaking on day one, but after that it was smooth sailing as far as being un-hungry for a few hours is concerned. I’m not against sucking this down again if I’m in a pinch and need sustenance, but I can’t promise I will enjoy any of it.

Ka’Chava brings soft earth tones and plant-friendly vibes to a space that’s lousy with broicism and startup-founder energy, which should appeal to folks who want a quick hit of protein in the morning without having to field questions from their swole coworkers about their stack. This is without a doubt the dustiest beverage I sampled, with sweet, chalky little bits spiking almost every sip throughout the entire cup. If you’ve ever enjoyed a proper chocolate malt that’s loaded with clumps of delicious malt powder, you’ll know what I mean, and you may even enjoy this as much as I did. I cheated and used a Ninja blender to see if it would get me closer to a dust-free sip, yet the granular gunk persisted.

The fill-up factor of Ka’Chava is right down the middle, making it the mama bear of vegan meal replacement drinks. It didn’t keep me full past 11 am, but I’ve been known to take a pair of Burger King breakfast sandwiches to the dome whenever they’re on a 2-for-1 sale (which is almost always in my area), so a more ascetic end user who thinks a handful of almonds and a Go-Gurt counts as breakfast could be well served by Ka’Chava.

Vegan food has come a long way since the ’90s when terms like “crunchy” and “Jerry” were popular pejoratives among Gen X. Gone are the days of kooky Bay Area idealists and their bland experiments with chia seeds and seitan, and in their place is a sassy new generation of punks and freaks who have yet to encounter a challenge of plant-based protein replacement they won’t accept. With the exception of marinated ham steak and the McDonald's McRib, most of them are actually pretty good! At the very least, they offer hope that a world in which lab-grown protein is the only option after tech oligarchs decimate the environment will still offer fun garbage food like Crunchwraps and buffalo wings.

Orgain looks and tastes like a relic of this bygone era of boomer hippie health fantasies. It’s inexpensive and widely available, making it a must-have in the bottom of every pensioner's cart on their Costco run. The appeal of this runny, nutty liquid runs out quickly after you consider the economics of it all. The texture is similar to oat-milk-based coffee creamer, and the flavor is a weak blend of watered-down vanilla, macadamia nuts, and diet sweetener. If you can suck down two of these while stuck in traffic in the morning, you might make it until lunch, but it’s not likely. What’s more, the flavor and texture are so disappointing that you’re twice as likely to splurge on DoorDash-ing a $25 smash burger than settling for a healthier, more economical choice when you finally allow yourself to consume a solid meal.

Even technocrats who are obsessed with maximizing every minute of their day need to eat their veggies, and products like Soylent and Huel are somewhat lacking in the greenery department. SaladPower offers a quick and relatively painless way to cram some greens down your gullet without spending hours on procuring salad fixins or close to $20 on a trip to Sweetgreen, all with the ease of slurping down a brown liquid from a minimalistic white and green pouch. If health is a linear spectrum, slamming a pouch of this in the morning is probably the polar opposite of ripping a shot of Malort while pregaming for a night of debauchery. It’s kinda gross and you kinda hate it, but it builds character!

The texture of putrid glurp is akin to applesauce, and the flavor is mildly savory with hints of lemon and carrot in the aftertaste. This is not at all enjoyable, but if you don’t take it out of the bag like I did, then you probably won’t have any issues getting it over with as quickly as possible. It does a fine job of filling you up, and more importantly, it helps your gut recalibrate if you’ve accepted the challenge of living off meal replacements indefinitely. An important part of being an adult is realizing you have to do things that suck now in service of better days ahead, so crack a packet of SaladPower and eat your dang veggies, OK?