9 Lazy-Ass Gifts for Your Favorite Couch Potato 

If your couch potato friend is going to truly hibernate, they’re going to need a bigger blanket. Or at least a heavier one. We’re fans of the Gravity Blanket, a soft, 25-pound human ThunderShirt with the texture of a bean bag. (A ThunderShirt is a comfort vest for dogs; this is not actually a vest, but we’re not dissuading you from wearing the blanket out if you love it that much.)

My WIRED colleague Arielle Pardes says lying under the Gravity Blanket makes her feel as though she is “wrapped up in a toasty tortilla like a human burrito”; there are few greater goals in life than achieving this sensation. But 250 bucks is a lot for a blanket. A good stocking stuffer would be Gravity’s more affordable $40 Weighted Sleep Mask (a blanket for your face!). Or, you could go for Brookstone’s 20-pound Calming Weighted Blanket for $130. Your gift recipient will be grateful either way. Just don’t expect they’ll crawl out from under it to mail you a thank-you note anytime soon.

Here at WIRED, when we’re not reporting stories on the ways in which technology is fundamentally altering our collective existence, we’re arguing over socks. No, really: Socks are a hot topic here, and we’ve collectively tried dozens of different brands. (Do you sleep in socks? Or are you repulsed by the idea? We have strong opinions on this, too.)

We’ve determined that the best all-around lounge socks are L.L. Bean’s 10-inch Ragg Socks, made primarily of Australian merino wool, for warmth, but also have a touch of nylon and Lycra for stretchiness. Our product reviewer, Parker Hall, says they’re soft and give your ankles room to breathe, but aren’t so loose that you can’t shove your feet into a pair of boots real quick when you remember that you still need to take out the recycling. As a cozy, less expensive backup option, WIRED’s Louryn Strampe recommends Muk Luk’s $26 three-pair pack of boot socks.

If we might suggest a name change: This two-toned ceramic bowl is described by its makers as “perfect for serving large salads, pastas, sides,” but we lovingly refer to it as a Badass Popcorn Bowl. Who could accuse you of slovenly behavior when you’re dipping your buttery appendages in this beauty, made by Bay Area–based Heath Ceramics?

OK, sure, if your idea of couch potato nirvana involves cold roughage or a half gallon of soup, you can use the bowl for that too. And if you (ahem, your “friend”) decide to emerge from hibernation and actually participate in holiday potlucks, you’ll impress with this bowl (even if your pasta salad sucks). We really recommend using it for the finer things in life, though: Puffs of burnt corn kernels, individual servings of ice cream, a block’s worth of leftover Halloween chocolate.

If there was any book in 2019 that shaped, or reshaped, the way we’ve been thinking about productivity, it’s How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Oakland-based artist Jenny Odell. Odell’s series of essays is partly a work of meditation, partly a self-help book, and partly an activist’s guide to resisting the regular assaults on our attention spans and the constant pressure to be doing … something.

This makes it the perfect read for your beloved couch potato, who will feel doubly justified in their decision to hunker down and avoid the quagmire that is our current world out there. They’re not just sweating under an overpriced blanket and binge-watching The Mandalorian in between chapters of Odell’s book; they’re making a statement about the ways in which our creative spaces are being threatened. Sometimes, they might even identify a bird chirping outside their window. The path to freedom lies within the covers of this book.

Taking regular breaks to stand up and get the blood flowing? Advisable. Getting up from the couch to use the restroom once in a while? Necessity. Interrupting your hard-earned day of rest and relaxation to vacuum the house? Hell no. This is why the greatest minds of our generation have been working on robots, people.

As WIRED’s Adrienne So puts it, once you try a robot vacuum with a self-emptying bin, you’ll never go back. We recommend the Shark IQ Robot. Sure, it connects to an app like all the other Wi-Fi-connected vacuum cleaners out there (check out our best robot vacuums guide to see them all). And it works with Alexa, yadda yadda yadda. But its standout feature is its ability to empty its own bin. Every so often during a cleaning cycle, it vrooms its way back to the dock to unload whatever crumbs have spilled out of your fancy popcorn bowl. They might as well call it the Sloth IQ Robot.

I remain firm in my belief that AirPods Pro are what the first pair of Apple’s AirPods should have been. For three years Apple tried to sell us on hard plastic nubs with awkwardly long sticks; now the company has released a pair with flexible silicone tips and shorter stems. I am also convinced, after a few weeks of wearing them, that the active noise cancellation technology in the AirPods Pro is worth the higher price of these wirefree buds.

They're perfect for blocking out the sounds of your roommates or watching movies on your electronic device of choice (so you’re not the noisy roommate). Get this: Through the AirPods Pro, Siri will read aloud your incoming text messages, provided you’re using Messages on an iPhone. You don’t even have to lift a finger to swipe through your phone’s screen. Pesky distractions! Who needs 'em? Not you, or, erm, your friend, when they’re living that couch potato life.

A dear friend of mine, who is steadfast in his refusal to participate in Burning Man each year, once launched a movement called Moisturizing Person. To call it a movement is generous; the group has seven members. No matter! He describes it as a “cool, catered, comfort-filled weekend” taking place in a sand-free environment of your choice, where you shall nap, eat, and take more naps. Another edict: You must slather your face and hands and feet in sweet-smelling stuff.

For this, I whole-heartedly recommend Weleda’s Skin Food, an extremely rich and fragrant blend of botanical ingredients that’s been on “best of” beauty lists for years. I finally tried it a couple of years ago and now I won’t travel—or sit at home for a night of restorative inactivity—without it. Some people complain that Skin Food is greasy, and they’re not wrong. Weleda now makes a “light” version of the lotion. Committing to the life of couch potato-dom doesn’t mean your epidermis has to feel like an actual potato.