Hi. My name is Eliza Gauger. You may be familiar with my gutteral spewings already, having endured them on Kotaku for many months. They tell me I’m here to write about games, and who are you to argue? They control everything. They could be typing this right now.
While I opened up my salvo earlier this week with a tasty number about fat British children being carrot-and-sticked into getting off their asses, excuse me, arses, I will in fact be focusing on MMOs and something everyone keeps referring to as “virtual worlds”.
“That’s fine,” I drawled from under my fedora, “but the fees, man.”
Grimy rain left trackmarks on our trenchcoats like punctures on a Burroughsian junkie. In the distance, the eleven o’clock to St. Louie blew mournfully, and was joined by a lonesome pit bull.
“Don’t worry,” Joel returned, his slitted eyes lit not only by the jaundiced streetlight, but by something between madness and hayfever, “it’s all been taken care of.”
Finally, an offer I couldn’t refuse. It’s how you know you’ve arrived.
I take that back. How you really know you’ve arrived is when Sony starts prodding you onto airplanes and dragging you, kicking and screaming, to Southern California. I am currently airborne over Oregon and doomed to Burbank, where I will be jamming my sticky digits all over Resistance: Fall of Man, ostensibly for the purposes of reporting back to you fine people.
Speaking of you fine people, I want our online romance to begin immediately. Send me things. Gaming news, screenshots, easter eggs, season’s bleatings, drawings you did when you were six, embarrassing photos of yourself in your dorky Halloween costumes, it’s all good.
But I especially want to know about the MMOs you play. Where you go to get your latest EVE Online drama. The best WoW screenshot Flickr gallery. The funniest machinima. The most disgusting Second Life cathouse. Chatlogs from that time you were stalked by a paedophile in Toon Town. How pimped your Auto Assault ride is. How you cry yourself shamefully to sleep every night because you still play EQ1. How you can’t think up anything original to name your guild in Guild Wars, so you just steal one from someone whose creativity you admire. That you’re a filthy, shitweaseling cheater and don’t care who knows it.
Everything. Send it all. I can see into your brains.
