When Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes bought an ultrasound machine to view their lovely fetus at home, gossip fans were shocked. Cruise and Holmes aren’t scientists – they’re Scientologists! But we were inspired. What other hospital-grade devices could we take home if we had more money than God? “These machines are not toys for the rich and famous,” says Ted Lieu, a California assembly member trying to ban ultrasound sales to the general public. “They could cause some serious damage.” Well, yes, Ted. That’s why we want them.
Watch the Beat
Device: GE MAC 1200 Resting Electro- cardiograph System
Cost: $3,195 from Claflin Equipment
What It Does: Takes electrical readings of the heart’s rhythms.
Home Use: Strap the 12 leads to your chest and arms and watch the needle move. Startle loved ones by yelling, “Code blue!”
Rinse and Spit
Device: Dental chair package
Cost: $4,295 on eBay
What It Does: Positions patient for easy access to teeth by dentists.
Home Use: Yes. Allows wannabe hygienists to re-create that scene from Marathon Man.
Fetal Photomat
Device: Biosound MyLab 30 CV Portable Ultrasound
Cost: $51,395 on eBay
What It Does: Uses sound to peer inside mommy-to-be’s tummy.
Home Use: Sure! But maybe not in California. Thanks a lot, Ted!
Eraser Beam
Device: Cynosure PhotoGenica V vascular laser
Cost: $14,000 from DOTmed.com
What It Does: Zaps facial lesions, birthmarks, scars, and lines out of existence.
Home Use: Yes – but we don’t advise using it for laser tag.
Have a Slice
Device: Philips Mx8000 IDT computed tomography scanner
Cost: $600,000 from NCD
What It Does: Takes x-ray “slice” pictures.
Home Use: Would be highly entertaining at dinner parties: “My brain next!” Then again, radiation is really bad for DNA.
The See Inside
Device: Hitachi MRP-7000 magnetic resonance imager
Cost: $70,000 from DOTmed.com
What It Does: Blasts a person’s body with a 0.3-tesla electro-magnetic field to build pictures from changes in molecular orientation.
Home Use: No. Hello – 0.3-tesla fields?! Superconducting electromagnets. Nineteen tons. And good luck installing the behemoth.
– Steve Knopper
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