It's summer, and superhero movies are elbowing their way into cineplexes once again. You'd think they might be running out of good superheroes to slap up on the screen, but look at what new faces are arriving in the next couple years: Wonder Woman! Ghost Rider! Uh ... The Sub-Mariner! Ant-Man! OK, yeah, things are looking pretty dire. But luckily, there's no bottom to this barrel: There are enough superheroes to fill seats and incite forum flame wars for decades to come. Here are some examples of actual superheroes in Marvel and DC comics who, inexplicably, have yet to get a movie.
Matter-Eater Lad
I like a hero who tells you what he's all about right up front. Matter-Eater Lad has the power to eat matter, plus he's a lad. Think of all the movies in which Matter-Eater Lad could have saved the day. In Armageddon he could have eaten the asteroid! In Titanic he could have eaten the iceberg! In Just My Luck he could have eaten Lindsey Lohan! But in his own movie he'll have to face a menace he can't just masticate away: a being of pure energy! Or maybe a demonically powered, endless hometown buffet.
Tag line: This Summer, Adventure Is All-You-Can-Eat.
Batwoman
This isn't Batgirl, the redhead with the high heels, nor is it the boring gray Batwoman who was on some direct-to-video thing. No, this is the '50s version, and she had makeup-themed gadgets. Really. She had powder puffs of sneezing powder, and she caught criminals in a giant hairnet, and she kept these things in her utility purse. It makes purple spandex look progressive by comparison. In her movie, Batwoman will face off against Female Hippie Person's evil plot to get women to stop shaving their legs and using makeup.
Tag line: This Summer, Adventure Puts On Its Game Face.
Batroc the Leaper
Technically, Batroc is a villain, but Catwoman got her own movie, so why not Batroc? Well, to begin with, Catwoman is a sexy lady with claws and Batroc is a Frenchman with a Dali moustache. Batroc doesn't have powers. He's pretty good at leaping, but it's not like he has super pogo-blasters or radioactive thighs. He just leaps. And kicks people. It's sad. So Batroc will have to star in one of those superhero movies where nobody has powers but him. He can just kick generic thugs and eventually face down the shadowy adversary that killed one or more members of his family when he was a child. Then he'll kick said adversary off something tall, because that's how these things work.
Tag line: This Summer, Adventure Jumps for VENGEANCE.
Bushmaster
Bushmaster debuted in The Super Friends comic book, so you know he's great. Like Batman, Bushmaster's powers come from gadgets he invented. Unlike Batman, for some reason he decided to only make gadgets that duplicate the abilities of reptiles. There's a reason reptiles don't fight crime. Nobody decides to call off a bank robbery because there might be an iguana present. Still, this guy can cover himself in a hard shell, turn the color of most leaves and enjoy the taste of mealworms, so maybe there's hope for him. In the Bushmaster movie, the ecosphere is threatened by a virus that can kill every cute, cuddly creature on the planet. Bushmaster is picked for the job because his powers make him immune, plus every other superhero on the planet had to be at the DMV that day.
Tag line: This Summer, a Guy With Reptile Powers Is Going to Save the Day for Some Reason.
Doll Man
Doll Man's power is to shrink down to 6 inches in height while retaining his normal strength. No criminal, no matter how superstitious and/or cowardly, could ever fear Doll Man. "Lo! An extremely tiny figure looms, endowed with the strength of one normal man! The only way I can escape is to run away, or perhaps stroll briskly!" He eventually partnered with Doll Girl and flew a Dollplane, but how does that help? Six inches isn't even that small. In his movie Doll Man will battle, I don't know, a dyspeptic Yorkie with a bad attitude. Seriously, Doll Man?
Tagline: This Summer, Maybe You Should Consider Reading More.
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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a businessman, congressman and talisman.
